According to my trusty source (Google) they say that 1 in every 5 pregnancies will end up as a miscarriage during early pregnancy. Early pregnancy is defined as being less than 12 weeks along. Late pregnancy (a miscarriage after 12 weeks) happens about 1 in every 100. So if so many of us moms are having them, why is nobody talking about it?
I was about 6 weeks along when I had my miscarriage. I got a positive result on my pregnancy test around mid December. It took less time for us to get pregnant this time, which was really exciting because I wanted Laikyn to be close in age to her next sibling. It was the perfect Christmas gift. Mark and I told our families Christmas Eve, and they were as equally excited. I felt so ready to be pregnant again. I knew what to expect this time around.
I played in an alumni tournament on Boxing Day. I wasn't sure if I should or not, but decided that I was in good enough shape so I went for it. The "tournament" only consisted of two games. It was basically just a big women's ball night. There weren't any refs. It was just a fun day and a way to raise some money for the Pandas. As soon as the last game was over, the cramping began. I instantly felt panic-stricken, and then guilt swept over me like I was standing right in the middle of a tsunami. I tried to convince myself that this was normal. Light cramping and a little bit a show is normal during early pregnancy. My gut knew otherwise.
The cramps began to intensify. I couldn't think about anything for the rest of the day. It took me forever to fall asleep that night. Mark was trying to support me and give me words of encouragement throughout the day but what he was saying wasn't even registering in the slightest. It's like he was speaking to me while being under water. I felt horrible. I felt like I was running through fog. Minutes and hours seemed to drag on forever. This is normal, right? When was this cramping going to leave? Surely it'll be gone by the morning.
It was.
At about 3:30 in the morning, I was awoken by a really intense cramp followed by a gush. I ran to the bathroom. My baby was gone. I almost didn't want to flush the toilet, as weird as that sounds. It just would solidify the reality that I really did just have a miscarriage. I crumpled into a ball on my bathroom floor and just sat there. I didn't cry, I didn't move. I just laid there. After about a half an hour I went in a woke up Mark to tell him what happened. He asked me if I was okay. I said ya, I guess. I fell back asleep.
When I woke up that morning, that's when it all fell apart for me emotionally. I was a wreck. I felt so extremely guilty I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. I lost my baby over a basketball game -- a basketball game! How extremely selfish I had been. In my mind there was no other reason for losing my baby. It was all my fault and nobody was going to convince me otherwise. Not for a while, anyways.
My family was so good through it all, Mark was so good through it all, but the hole in my heart was still there. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's no wonder that phrase came into existence. It literally felt exactly like that. I looked up so many different things on google about miscarriages to fill in that hole and give me some peace of mind: how soon after you could begin to try again, if it increased your chances of having another one, how many women actually have them, why they happen, etc.
I began to pray to find some comfort that way. While I was praying my mom's words and my Uncle Ken's words were brought back into my mind: lots of times your body has a miscarriage in early pregnancy to shed a baby that wouldn't have made it anyways. Peace immediately filled my whole being. He testified to me that they were right.
Despite my doctor's orders about waiting for one period cycle to come and go before trying again, we didn't (sorry Uncle Ken). I am irregular as it is which means it takes us longer to get pregnant, and so we didn't prevent it from happening. The next month I didn't have a period. That wasn't really all that shocking, but it did leave me wondering. I tried not to get my hopes up. After all, during my whole freshman year at college I only had a period twice. But around the last few weeks in January I began cramping. I thought I should take a pregnancy test just in case. It came back positive!
The cramping began to become intense again. I wasn't having any showing, so that was good, but I still wasn't too hopeful considering I had just had a miscarriage. The cramping was different this time though. It had localized itself specifically to my left side. I called the clinic to make a doctor's appointment. I had read some stories about tubal pregnancies while researching miscarriages the first time around, and I had a fear that that was happening to me. He sent me to go get my blood taken for 4 consecutive days in a row to keep an eye on my hCG levels. If it was a healthy baby, the level of hCG should double every 48 hours; if it was actually an ectopic pregnancy, they remain low and inconsistent. (don't quote me on that though. I'm really not qualified to say that.)
I went for my first day of blood testing in the morning, and I couldn't think about anything else all day. Was I actually pregnant? Was it an ectopic? Was I miscarrying again? I couldn't wait to hear from the nurse any longer, so I decided to call. She told me that the results had just come in but that my Uncle Ken wanted to call me after he was done with his patient to tell me what the results were.
Why did he want to call me? What did that mean? It must be bad news, right? Or maybe it was because he wanted to be the bearer of good news, and that's why he wanted it to be him calling. I waited and waited but no call came. No news is good news right?
It was around 6:30 before he finally ended up calling me. His day had become super hectic. (poor small-town doctors) He told me that my hCG was 22. He told me he was 99% positive that I would be having another miscarriage with levels that low considering when I miscarried, when I took my pregnancy test, and what my projected ovulation date was.
I. was. crushed.
He told me that he needed me keep getting my blood taken to rule out ectopic anyway, just as a precautionary measure. I said okay, and thanks, all the while trying to hold back tears and swallow that huge lump in my throat.
As soon as I hung up, it hit me hard and it hit me fast. Again, I was in my bathroom and again, I fell onto the floor in a heap and began bawling. It was devastating to think that I would have to try again. How long was it going to take to get pregnant this time around? Would I be even able to have another child? I know that question sounds dramatic, but it's hard to stay positive during such hard moments. Every trial is always easier in hindsight.
I began to look up stuff on google again. I found lots of women with really low hCG stories who never miscarried and ended up having healthy babies. It gave me a little bit of hope to hold me over for a while.
The next day I got my blood taken and the lab tech was so kind. She told me exactly what I had wanted to hear (which was the same as I read on the internet, that many people have low hCG throughout their whole pregnancy and never miscarry.) I really began to feel hope, but didn't want to get too excited about it all. The nurse called me from the clinic called me the same day and told me that the hCG was rising. I was totally shocked!
At first I was just really excited, but then she reminded me that it was either an ectopic pregnancy or I was actually pregnant. I wasn't sure if this was worse or better than miscarrying. Tubal pregnancies are scary. It probably would've been easier to just have a miscarriage. I was scared again. (Holy, can you say emotional rollercoaster??)
After the end of the 4 days my hCG was following the pattern of a normal pregnancy -- doubling perfectly every 48 hours. The pain on my left side was still there, however, and so they booked me for an emergency ultrasound. It was the next day. The results came back and it showed nothing on the screen. My uterus was totally empty. And so were my tubes. What the heck was going on?
Uncle Ken got the results, sent me for more blood work, and also booked another ultrasound in the meantime. I was becoming totally numb to my emotions. I was no longer excited or scared. I didn't have hope or fear. I had no expectations anymore. According to my blood results I was still pregnant or ectopic. They were perfectly doubling again, though.
I got into my ultrasound a few days later. This time I could see a little black circle on the screen. And it wasn't in my tubes. I was actually pregnant!!!! I was 4 weeks, 3 days along. The reason why it didn't show up the first time is because it was too small to see. I had thrown everything off by getting pregnant right after a miscarriage, but I wouldn't have done it any differently because now I have Ben.
I said many prayers during my actual miscarriage and all the way through it all afterwards. I always felt a sense of peace when I prayed, even after I actually miscarried. God knows what he is doing.
My kind sister also brought me over such a thoughtful gift through it all. When I told her that I was probably going to miscarry again, she brought over a beautiful white orchid to let me know she was thinking about me. It was SO thoughtful and meant so much.
^^ this is a picture I just took of it right now on this foggier day. I've kept it alive since the end of January 2015. It is the ONLY flower I have ever been able to keep alive. I literally kill them off so fast. (I have a black thumb.) I find that so fitting.
I was open with my family throughout the whole process, from my first miscarriage to maybe having another, to it maybe being a tubal, to actually being pregnant. I didn't want them to have to guess why I would randomly shed a tear or two during different parts of the christmas holiday and into the new year. It would randomly hit me and anything would trigger the tears. I was a little more mellow. Why would I want to leave them guessing about what was going on? They would've thought it was something they did, and I didn't want them to think that. We cried together and hugged and then eventually rejoiced together -- and I know that the rejoicing was much more meaningful for us because I had involved them the entire time.
I haven't really been super proactive about sharing my experience of having a miscarriage, but if the topic came up with people outside of my family I never tried to hide it or pretended like I didn't have one. How can we help bear another's burdens if people don't know what they are? There is no shame in not having a perfect life or being perfect ourselves. There is no shame in being the one who needs help every once in a while. I know everybody is different and each circumstance is different and some people may feel like it's not the right time to share or the setting isn't appropriate or whatever. I just feel like the way people bond is through service, and that requires somebody who needs to be served. Service doesn't have to be a huge deal. Just the fact that people knew I had been through what I had been through gave me a sense of relief.
Ben has brought such a fun, new element into our lives. I am so grateful that I was chosen to be his mom.
I was about 6 weeks along when I had my miscarriage. I got a positive result on my pregnancy test around mid December. It took less time for us to get pregnant this time, which was really exciting because I wanted Laikyn to be close in age to her next sibling. It was the perfect Christmas gift. Mark and I told our families Christmas Eve, and they were as equally excited. I felt so ready to be pregnant again. I knew what to expect this time around.
I played in an alumni tournament on Boxing Day. I wasn't sure if I should or not, but decided that I was in good enough shape so I went for it. The "tournament" only consisted of two games. It was basically just a big women's ball night. There weren't any refs. It was just a fun day and a way to raise some money for the Pandas. As soon as the last game was over, the cramping began. I instantly felt panic-stricken, and then guilt swept over me like I was standing right in the middle of a tsunami. I tried to convince myself that this was normal. Light cramping and a little bit a show is normal during early pregnancy. My gut knew otherwise.
The cramps began to intensify. I couldn't think about anything for the rest of the day. It took me forever to fall asleep that night. Mark was trying to support me and give me words of encouragement throughout the day but what he was saying wasn't even registering in the slightest. It's like he was speaking to me while being under water. I felt horrible. I felt like I was running through fog. Minutes and hours seemed to drag on forever. This is normal, right? When was this cramping going to leave? Surely it'll be gone by the morning.
It was.
At about 3:30 in the morning, I was awoken by a really intense cramp followed by a gush. I ran to the bathroom. My baby was gone. I almost didn't want to flush the toilet, as weird as that sounds. It just would solidify the reality that I really did just have a miscarriage. I crumpled into a ball on my bathroom floor and just sat there. I didn't cry, I didn't move. I just laid there. After about a half an hour I went in a woke up Mark to tell him what happened. He asked me if I was okay. I said ya, I guess. I fell back asleep.
When I woke up that morning, that's when it all fell apart for me emotionally. I was a wreck. I felt so extremely guilty I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. I lost my baby over a basketball game -- a basketball game! How extremely selfish I had been. In my mind there was no other reason for losing my baby. It was all my fault and nobody was going to convince me otherwise. Not for a while, anyways.
My family was so good through it all, Mark was so good through it all, but the hole in my heart was still there. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's no wonder that phrase came into existence. It literally felt exactly like that. I looked up so many different things on google about miscarriages to fill in that hole and give me some peace of mind: how soon after you could begin to try again, if it increased your chances of having another one, how many women actually have them, why they happen, etc.
I began to pray to find some comfort that way. While I was praying my mom's words and my Uncle Ken's words were brought back into my mind: lots of times your body has a miscarriage in early pregnancy to shed a baby that wouldn't have made it anyways. Peace immediately filled my whole being. He testified to me that they were right.
Despite my doctor's orders about waiting for one period cycle to come and go before trying again, we didn't (sorry Uncle Ken). I am irregular as it is which means it takes us longer to get pregnant, and so we didn't prevent it from happening. The next month I didn't have a period. That wasn't really all that shocking, but it did leave me wondering. I tried not to get my hopes up. After all, during my whole freshman year at college I only had a period twice. But around the last few weeks in January I began cramping. I thought I should take a pregnancy test just in case. It came back positive!
The cramping began to become intense again. I wasn't having any showing, so that was good, but I still wasn't too hopeful considering I had just had a miscarriage. The cramping was different this time though. It had localized itself specifically to my left side. I called the clinic to make a doctor's appointment. I had read some stories about tubal pregnancies while researching miscarriages the first time around, and I had a fear that that was happening to me. He sent me to go get my blood taken for 4 consecutive days in a row to keep an eye on my hCG levels. If it was a healthy baby, the level of hCG should double every 48 hours; if it was actually an ectopic pregnancy, they remain low and inconsistent. (don't quote me on that though. I'm really not qualified to say that.)
I went for my first day of blood testing in the morning, and I couldn't think about anything else all day. Was I actually pregnant? Was it an ectopic? Was I miscarrying again? I couldn't wait to hear from the nurse any longer, so I decided to call. She told me that the results had just come in but that my Uncle Ken wanted to call me after he was done with his patient to tell me what the results were.
Why did he want to call me? What did that mean? It must be bad news, right? Or maybe it was because he wanted to be the bearer of good news, and that's why he wanted it to be him calling. I waited and waited but no call came. No news is good news right?
It was around 6:30 before he finally ended up calling me. His day had become super hectic. (poor small-town doctors) He told me that my hCG was 22. He told me he was 99% positive that I would be having another miscarriage with levels that low considering when I miscarried, when I took my pregnancy test, and what my projected ovulation date was.
I. was. crushed.
He told me that he needed me keep getting my blood taken to rule out ectopic anyway, just as a precautionary measure. I said okay, and thanks, all the while trying to hold back tears and swallow that huge lump in my throat.
As soon as I hung up, it hit me hard and it hit me fast. Again, I was in my bathroom and again, I fell onto the floor in a heap and began bawling. It was devastating to think that I would have to try again. How long was it going to take to get pregnant this time around? Would I be even able to have another child? I know that question sounds dramatic, but it's hard to stay positive during such hard moments. Every trial is always easier in hindsight.
I began to look up stuff on google again. I found lots of women with really low hCG stories who never miscarried and ended up having healthy babies. It gave me a little bit of hope to hold me over for a while.
The next day I got my blood taken and the lab tech was so kind. She told me exactly what I had wanted to hear (which was the same as I read on the internet, that many people have low hCG throughout their whole pregnancy and never miscarry.) I really began to feel hope, but didn't want to get too excited about it all. The nurse called me from the clinic called me the same day and told me that the hCG was rising. I was totally shocked!
At first I was just really excited, but then she reminded me that it was either an ectopic pregnancy or I was actually pregnant. I wasn't sure if this was worse or better than miscarrying. Tubal pregnancies are scary. It probably would've been easier to just have a miscarriage. I was scared again. (Holy, can you say emotional rollercoaster??)
After the end of the 4 days my hCG was following the pattern of a normal pregnancy -- doubling perfectly every 48 hours. The pain on my left side was still there, however, and so they booked me for an emergency ultrasound. It was the next day. The results came back and it showed nothing on the screen. My uterus was totally empty. And so were my tubes. What the heck was going on?
Uncle Ken got the results, sent me for more blood work, and also booked another ultrasound in the meantime. I was becoming totally numb to my emotions. I was no longer excited or scared. I didn't have hope or fear. I had no expectations anymore. According to my blood results I was still pregnant or ectopic. They were perfectly doubling again, though.
I got into my ultrasound a few days later. This time I could see a little black circle on the screen. And it wasn't in my tubes. I was actually pregnant!!!! I was 4 weeks, 3 days along. The reason why it didn't show up the first time is because it was too small to see. I had thrown everything off by getting pregnant right after a miscarriage, but I wouldn't have done it any differently because now I have Ben.
I said many prayers during my actual miscarriage and all the way through it all afterwards. I always felt a sense of peace when I prayed, even after I actually miscarried. God knows what he is doing.
My kind sister also brought me over such a thoughtful gift through it all. When I told her that I was probably going to miscarry again, she brought over a beautiful white orchid to let me know she was thinking about me. It was SO thoughtful and meant so much.
^^ this is a picture I just took of it right now on this foggier day. I've kept it alive since the end of January 2015. It is the ONLY flower I have ever been able to keep alive. I literally kill them off so fast. (I have a black thumb.) I find that so fitting.
I was open with my family throughout the whole process, from my first miscarriage to maybe having another, to it maybe being a tubal, to actually being pregnant. I didn't want them to have to guess why I would randomly shed a tear or two during different parts of the christmas holiday and into the new year. It would randomly hit me and anything would trigger the tears. I was a little more mellow. Why would I want to leave them guessing about what was going on? They would've thought it was something they did, and I didn't want them to think that. We cried together and hugged and then eventually rejoiced together -- and I know that the rejoicing was much more meaningful for us because I had involved them the entire time.
I haven't really been super proactive about sharing my experience of having a miscarriage, but if the topic came up with people outside of my family I never tried to hide it or pretended like I didn't have one. How can we help bear another's burdens if people don't know what they are? There is no shame in not having a perfect life or being perfect ourselves. There is no shame in being the one who needs help every once in a while. I know everybody is different and each circumstance is different and some people may feel like it's not the right time to share or the setting isn't appropriate or whatever. I just feel like the way people bond is through service, and that requires somebody who needs to be served. Service doesn't have to be a huge deal. Just the fact that people knew I had been through what I had been through gave me a sense of relief.
Ben has brought such a fun, new element into our lives. I am so grateful that I was chosen to be his mom.
^Ben's first selfie
What a hard thing to go through Beth! I'm so sorry! I'm sure you've felt the power of the atonement in yours and Mark's lives. He really truly is the only one who knows our struggles. He will help us through anything and pick us up when we feel like we can't go on another second. So glad you have two beautiful children in your life. Hugs xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Whit! You're so wise. I really need to meet your little man sometime! <3
DeleteAwe Bethany. Although it was difficult- I loved reading this. It's really hard to know exactly what a miscarriage does to ones heart and emotions until you go through it. I had a few, one of which I was 5 months along. Very difficult time so I want you to know I understand. How blessed you are to have 2 precious, darling kids. Love ya!!
ReplyDeleteHaha it shows me as Momizzle...its Aunt Cheryl :)
Deletehaha. Momizzle, that's actually wayyy too good! I love that!
DeleteI loved hearing how so many more people have had them and can relate to me that I never even knew about. And I can't even imagine having more than one miscarriage, let alone one at 5 months! That must've been way hard. You're so amazing and I think the world of you. Love ya!
It's interesting how common miscarriages are, yet you feel like you are the only one. I had one at 12 weeks (my first pregnancy) and then a tubal after my second baby. Both were hard. I wish I had written down my feelings like you have. I do remember getting on my knees after a Dr. apt earlier in the day, "knowing" I would miscarry and feeling calm although it was not an easy time. It all works out doesn't it? It's amazing how miraculous our bodies are in creating another human!
ReplyDeleteA tubal would be so terrifying. You should try and write down what you can remember. I'm sure it was a really emotional and spiritual time for you! And the human body really is amazing!
DeleteI'm amazed at how well you put it into words. I tried writting it down after and had a hard time conveying the true emitions. I don't know if you have done this or not but look up rainbow babay. We are still waiting for ours, but I'm glad you got yours.
ReplyDeleteI was so heartbroken for you when I heard about your loss. I will definitely look up that and I really hope you get your baby soon! xo
DeleteI'm so glad you shared this. Love that you mentioned that others can help bare your burdens when you don't hide it all inside! This post was so powerful to read. You are a trooper and I'm so so glad you have Mr. Ben! He's adorable.
ReplyDelete